life.love.loss.

I miss the person that I was before..
the spontaneous, carefree and fearless me
people loved me, they liked me.
some admired me, even wanted to be me.
all is lost.
she’s nowhere to be found.
she died.
i died. a long long time ago.

Is it so wrong
for me to miss you
and love you
as much as I do?
You were a part of me
A part of everything that I am, and still are.
Why can’t people see
How painful this is for me?
You are my child,
My beautiful child
My only son,
My first born son.
We wanted you so much.
God only knows how much I prayed for a little boy
To complete our family
A baby boy to cherish and love.
I miss you so much it hurts
I could feel my broken heart
with every beat and every breath
I long to hold you.
When you died I lost a part of myself
This is me, now.
And I’ll never be who I was.
Because I had you.
I had a son.

Feeling your tiny kicks is something I look forward to everyday. I love you so much already baby girl.

For the past three weeks all I’ve been getting were not so good news about my baby’s health in utero. Two weeks ago we were told about the IUGR. The other day we went in for another scan only to find out her amnio fluid is low and that my cervix is dilating. (Not really sure if its dilating or I have an incompetent cervix, I have to talk to my dr again about it) But it was good to hear that she gained enough weight and now on the 10th percentile. I also suffered from an upper respiratory tract infection which triggered my asthma and my fever spiked to almost 102. My dr put me now on STRICT bed rest. I think Im doing a great job though, only getting up to pee and eat.. and shower (for 5 mins!) In a week I’ll have another scan, this time to check on her fluid. I was advised to increase my water intake so Ive been drinking gallons I think! lol but seriously I hope all this laying in bed all day would help my baby gain more weight.. And I really do hope pray that my cervix will stop dilating prematurely. And most of all God forbid I go into preterm labor. Prayers.. I need lots of prayers. Thank you to everyone who’s been praying for us….

Got up to pee at 2:30 am and looked like my baby princess was doing the kung fu fightin’! lol

So. We just had our Congenital Anomaly Scan, aka the 20week scan, last Saturday. Felt like I was holding my breath the entire time, I couldn’t rest easy until the dr told us that her HEART is fine. Yes, the heart, cos that’s what killed my son. Everything went great except that she sized a week behind. The dr told us she maybe starting to show signs of IUGR (Intra uterine Growth Restriction) which means she is small for her gestational age. There are many other things that could cause IUGR like some underlying medical condition on both mother or baby, congenital malformations, insufficient blood supply of the placenta or narrowing of the blood vessels. My son also had this along with hydrops fetalis, due to his heart defect.  Honestly I wanted to scream. WHY?? WHY THIS, AGAIN??? sigh..

We’ll be back in a week so that my high risk dr could keep an eye on her growth and maybe she’ll do the doppler too to check on blood flow. I am trying my best not to dwell on the negatives, and the possible health risks both short or long term, in IUGR babies. I am keeping my faith. I’ve had enough of this heartbreak. Google can no longer scare me, I have no room for all these negativities. I am going to fight this. I can do this. We can do this. So I am staying off　my feet, and OFF GOOGLE. I am following doctors orders, get as much as protein as I can, lie on my left side and relax. I will do whatever it takes to deliver my baby safely, and take her home. We will bring her home. And we will raise her, and love her. Its going to be okay. I have faith.